My random breakdown…

Okay  so I have pretty severe anxiety disorder.  The day before yesterday I had a pretty severe breakdown. I can usually control these things. I have had a ton of practice over the years. But this issue involved my child so I flipped out, badly.

I have to give some background or this won’t make sense and it helps me to write it down anyway so here we go. My mother was pretty abusive, both emotionally and mentally.  I attribute some of my aforementioned anxiety to this, but anyway I have tried to build a relationship with her now that I am older and sometimes that goes well. And sometimes she flips her lid and things go horribly wrong.

I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago and now am married to a wonderful man. This might sound like a change in subject but hang with me a second. The whole time I was in the horrible relationship my mom had not one word to say. She left me alone and never really even talked to me. As soon as I get in this relationship with this wonderful man who literally does everything he can for us my mom wants to imply he is a horrible father. I am not going to go into all the details, it would take forever, but just know this is a horrible thing to have to go through.

So my wonderful husband makes it where I haven’t had to work for a few years, but I am going crazy only having children to interact with. So I get a very small part time job. Which in itself was a battle because of my anxiety. My mother says she will watch the kids for me while I work for all of 3 hours. The very first day she does this I come back to get the children and she begins to tell me she is worried for my oldest. He is 8.

The thing to know about him is he also has anxiety disorder.  Diagnosed by a psychologist.  Not just some made up thing I say he has. Well apparently he told her he was scared of my husband. And this is something he struggles with because he has a ton of irrational fears. So if he tells you he is scared it isn’t the same as a normal child. There is some obscure thing that is bothering him. But my mother just flipped out and said he was a bad father and I shouldn’t let him tell my son what to do. Let me add here that abuse is not a light subject for me, since I was abused. So my abusive mother telling me that my husband who wouldn’t hurt a fly was being too rough on my child and implying he was abusive made me freak out. I have triggers. That is one of them. Good to know.

Needless to say it didn’t go well. We yelled. I had a full panic attack which caused all manner of other physical horrible symptoms. And I am still recovering. And she is pretending nothing happened because that is what she does. So why blog. I came home and discovered the bloggess and it helped me laugh. And I thought if she wrote about all of  her problems and made people feel better then maybe I could write about mine and it might help someone too.

And as for my son. He dwells on things and freaks himself out. Which is very common for someone with anxiety. In this situation it was that his daddy is in the army. He was thinking about war because my mother had been watching the news, which we do not watch in my house for this very reason. He watched the news and starting thinking about what his dad might have done while he was deployed. And got scared. And my mother decided to make that about him being a horrible father. And I don’t have words for how angry that makes me.

It very hard for me to know that my mother cannot ever be normal with me. Every single time i let my guard down with her this happens. EVERY. TIME. And you would think I would learn. But I never do. Maybe one day…

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